TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS |
1. |
Never take a beer to a job interview. |
2. |
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. |
3. |
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. |
4.. |
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. |
5. |
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. |
DINING OUT |
1. |
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. |
2. |
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. |
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME |
1. |
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. |
2. |
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are. |
PERSONAL HYGIENE |
1. |
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. |
2. |
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. |
3. |
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. |
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY) |
1. |
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. |
2. |
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.' |
3. |
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. |
4. |
Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya' sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.' |
WEDDINGS |
1. |
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. |
2. |
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. |
3. |
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.. |
4. |
Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion. |
5. |
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack. |
DRIVING ETIQUETTE |
1. |
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. |
2. |
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. |
3. |
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. |
4. |
When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. |
5. |
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. |
6. |
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. |
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER: |
1. |
All the DNA is the same. |
2. |
There are no dental records |