Here's a Few For Us Signmakers

[cnsranch]

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.
As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home.
This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?'
He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller

[ktjwilliams]

I like this one ... " I'm Italian therefore I cannot keep calm ,,, Capeesh "

[cnsranch]

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.

We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.

A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you.

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to make reproductive organs.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population.

"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green,
then he turns yellow
and then he's rotten."

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors .."

[myshop1044]

I am at a loss for a saying about " keys missing , gone hunting". I have used " keys missin, I've gone fishing".
any saying would be a big help.
Perry B

[blhutchens]

Why is it you always find your keys the last place you look for them

[blhutchens]

Everyone has to believe in something
I believe I'll go hunting for my keys.

[tedis]

Stay away from negative people.
They have a problem for every solution.

[NLAlston]

Thanks much, for this.

[Canemaker]

Back when I was in the military several decades ago, I used this quote from Lyndon B. Johnson as my Command philosophy:

"There are no problems we cannot solve together, and very few that we can solve by ourselves." - Lyndon B. Johnson

[Bigtyme]

A few more I recently came across....

The biggest lie I tell myself is …”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet!
I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
Old age is coming at really bad time!
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.
I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not surewhat I’ll do the second week.
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree … that makes it a plant which means … chocolate is salad !!!