Here's a Few For Us Signmakers

[Bigtyme]

Actual headstone quotes:

Here lies Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

Here lies Lester Moore.
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More

Here lies Jonathon Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.

Here lies my wife,
Here let her lie.
Now she's at rest,
And so am I.

[guido5286]

I really enjoyed reading these thank you guys. I have a couple to add.

Its hard to soar like a eagle when your surrounded by a bunch of Turkey's.

Its better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

That's all I got.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 2

[Shacky]

I like this one, but added a third line:

'If you can read this, thank a teacher -
since it's in English, thank a soldier.
And thanks to the taxpayer for paying them both!'

I don't mean that third line to be negative, but let's be complete.

For us nerds;

'192.168.1.1
Home Sweet Home'

A couple silly ones;
Remember: No matter how bad your life is, there is someone who has to clean the bathrooms at Taco Bell.

I mustache you a question. But I'll shave it for later.

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I've turned myself around.

My first attempt at cloning was a success and I'm so excited I'm beside myself!

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

[cnsranch]

Hey, all.

Been awhile - work's been the priority. Came across these - thought someone could use them.

. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

* When chemists die, they barium.

* Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

* A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

* I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

* How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

* I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

* This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

* I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

* I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words

* They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

* This dyslexic man walks into a bra?

* I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

* A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

* When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

* What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

* I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

* Broken pencils are pointless.

* What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

* England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

* I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

* I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

* All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

* I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

* Velcro - what a rip off!

* Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

[jkpq45]

Eh, why not? Here's a few:


I was going to be a cardiologist--but I didn't have the heart.
I was going to be a psychiatrist--but I was a-freud.
I was going to be a doctor--but I didn't have the patients.
I was going to start a bakery--but I couldn't raise the dough.
Caution: This sign has very sharp edges.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Children left unattended will be given espresso and a free puppy.
No smoking--unless you're on fire.
Beware of Dog--he has a gun and refuses to take his medication.
Beware of Dog--he just quit smoking and is still irritable.
KEEP OUT--or don't. Can't stop ya--I'm just a sign.
Clever Signs--$5 each, unless you want two, then you're lookin' at ten smackers.

[lynnfrwd]

Here's another thread with some good sayings.

[tcough3475]

I love these. These may be repeats but here's some that I just saw today:

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. King David

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sasha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Red Skelton

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. Sam Kinison

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't. James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming. 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.... Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield

[cnsranch]

Here are some more from a goofy friend (we all need goofy friends)....

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats".

But, none of them touch the man's pxxxs and say, "Good job".
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

FIVE Other Simple Truths
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the axxxxxx's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk.

Bonus Truth:
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

[cnsranch]

A few more.....


Gotta Love Those Rednecks!!

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS
1.	Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.	Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.	It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4..	If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.	Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1.	If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.	Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.	A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.	Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.	While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2.	Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.	Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1.	Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.	Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'
3.	Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.	Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya' sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
WEDDINGS
1.	Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.	Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.	For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance..
4.	Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.	It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.	Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.	When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.	Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.	When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.	Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.	Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
1.	All the DNA is the same.
2.	There are no dental records

[mikemi]

Jerry,

I don't know where you get all of these, but you always give me a laugh. Thanks.

Mike